


reflections of how we used to be

by leonorawrites



Category: SKAM (Norway)
Genre: Dialogue Heavy, Dysfunctional Family, Established Relationship, M/M, Miscommunication, Panic Attacks, Recreational Drug Use, Swearing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-15
Updated: 2018-10-15
Packaged: 2019-08-02 14:52:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,605
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16307267
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/leonorawrites/pseuds/leonorawrites
Summary: Isak isn’t sure how to feel when suddenly his older sister Lea shows up on his doorstep. A part of him is happy to see her again after all this time, another part of him is still angry that she left in the first place. Now he’s standing here in the middle of the chips aisle at the supermarket having a panic attack because that seems to be his first reaction to anything involving his family, and more than anything, he just doesn’t want Even to know that Lea is here.or, the one where Lea returns from Berlin.





	reflections of how we used to be

**Author's Note:**

> I'm usually the slowest writer, having to get through constant writer's block and never actually finishing anything because I always end up changing my mind. This story, however, came to me in almost less than a day and then another day and a sleepless night for editing, which is both the fastest and the hardest I've ever worked on a story, and I actually ended up feeling really proud of it so I thought I would post it before I could change my mind. 
> 
> Musical inspirations for this are SISTER/NATION by BROCKHAMPTON, as well as Sonic Youth’s album “Sister”, where the title of the fic comes from the song “beauty lies in the eyes”. (Sonic Youth also has a song called Isaac which isn’t really relevant, I just think it’s a fun coincident)
> 
> btw I’ve tried to stick to British spelling throughout because that’s what I was taught at school but the english are wrong on the whole chips/crisp thing, so when I say chips I mean like the thin crispy (hehe) slices, not the fries!
> 
> (that non-english native language feel when your english is a mess of both British and American spelling)

Isak is midway through a biology report he has to hand in, in the morning, his textbook and notes all spread out across the coffee table. He has just finished going over it with Sana on Skype when the sound of their broken doorbell buzzes through the flat.

It’s not really unusual — most of the time it’s just someone who wants to be buzzed in to leave advertisements for the whole building, or they forgot their front door key — so Isak doesn’t really think much of it this time either. He gets up and buzzes whoever it is in, not bothering to talk to them over the intercom. If it really is for their flat they'll come knocking on the door once they make it up the four flights of stairs.

He goes back to the kitchen in search of snacks, then. Even has left a bag of that unpopped corn, that you have to use a pot to make into popcorn, on his shelf. Isak grimaces. He’s not actually sure he could do it without burning them Even will pout if they’re not here for him next time he comes by. Noora’s shelf is stocked with food, but no actual snacks, Eskild only has a packet of noodles and a glass of coconut oil on his. He’s in better luck on Linn’s shelf, though, there he finds a bag of chips that he can easily replace should she get mad.

Still: “Linn, can I eat your chips?” he shouts through the flat, knowing he most likely won’t get an answer even though she’s home. He listens out for the answer that doesn't come

Oh well, at least he asked first.

He grabs the bag of chips, a Fanta from the fridge and moves back to the sofa. He’s only just put them on the coffee table when there’s a knock on the front door. For their flat.

Isak frowns. Neither Eskild or Noora are home so it can’t be anyone here to see them, and in all the time Linn’s lived here she’s never had any visitors. He checks his phone. There are no messages from the boys or Even so it can’t be any of them either, and Even had even told him about his plans for the day, and he wouldn’t be coming by until later.

Maybe it’s Eskild that’s forgotten his keys again.

The are three more knocks on the door before he’s made his way to it. He hurries down the hallway, and opens the door, ready to be at least a little bit annoyed with —

“Hey, Isak.”

Isak freezes. If he made a list of people he'd been expecting to see on the other side of the door, Lea's name would probably be very close to the bottom of it. He’s taller than her now, is one of the first thing he notices.

He wasn’t the last time he saw her.

Her hair has always been a little darker than his, though, now it's such a dark blonde he thinks she might have dyed it. It's in a braid, hanging loosely on one side, and she almost looks like she's drowning in the knitted sweater and blue parka that she's wearing. She looks different from what he remembers, though somehow still the same.

“ _Halla_ ,” he gets out after too long time, his voice croaky for some reason. “What are you doing here?”

Lea attempts a smile, but it still comes off as strained. She's looking at him as if she's trying to read him, waiting for a reaction, or anything to give away how he's feeling. “Dad gave me your address,” is all she says.

That's not really surprising. It's not like there's a lot of other options for how she'd know where he is — he, at least, hasn't talked to her since he moved in, less than a year ago.

It's also not really what he was asking.

“No. I meant, what are you doing in Oslo?” he tries again. Although a part of him also does wonder why she's come to see him specifically, he figures starting with the first things first, then he can narrow down the answer later. “Last I heard you were in Berlin with no plans of ever returning home."

Lea sighs like she's tired of fighting. “I came back, Isak.”

She looks small, in a way he's never seen her before, the way she's standing on his doorstep, looking at him like she's waiting for an answer.

Isak doesn't have anything to say, though, doesn't even know what she's asking. He wants to be mad at her — for leaving when things got tough, that she didn't come back when he needed her — but he can't find it within himself to be. At least, not the angry and loud kind of mad.

She opens her mouth, then shuts it again, looking for something to say. “Look, can I come in?” she asks when the silence gets too much.

Isak frowns, considering it for a second. In the end, he takes a step back, leaning against the open door, and gestures for her to come inside. She enters, making sure to take her shoes off, and Isak shuts the door after them and follows her down the narrow entryway, into the living room. Lea stops up in the middle of the room, setting the large duffle bag, she's been carrying over her shoulder, down on the floor by her feet. She takes in the room around her, Isak watching her as she does. “It’s nice here,” she comments.

Isak takes a seat on the armrest, crossing his arms. “So why did you ask dad for my address? What do you want?” he asks her.

Lea considers her answer, taking a few steps around the room. "Dad doesn't actually know that I'm here now. He gave me your address a while back when I was on the phone with him. I wrote it down at the time, thinking I'd need it one day, but it ended up getting lost until recently. I wasn’t actually sure if you still lived here.”

She keeps running her hands over the spines of the books in the bookcase and picking up photographs while she talks. The one she's holding is one of Eskild and Linn that's been here since before Isak moved in. He's always liked that one.

“Well, here I am, you found me,” Isak says.

She turns around then. “Isak,” she says like a plea.

“No, Lea," Isak argues. "What do you want? Why are you here?” he asks again, this time raising his voice.

“Is it not enough that I just wanted to see you? Isak, you’re my baby brother.”

“Did you just remember that or—”

“That’s not fair.”

“Really? Because you left, Lea! I was sixteen and I didn’t have anyone. Not you, not dad, not anybody. I was alone with her and —”

“Isak, could you stop yelling so much.” They both turn around to see the door to Linn’s room having been opened, Linn in her sweats and with her duvet wrapped tight around her shoulders, poking her head out. “I have a headache.”

Isak takes a deep breath, trying to calm himself down. “I'm sorry, Linn,” he apologises sincerely.

Lea gives her an apologetic smile as well, then crosses the room, holding her hand out. “Hi, I’m Lea. Isak’s sister.”

Linn tousles a bit with her duvet, struggling to get a hand free without dropping the duvet around her shoulders. She manages in the end, taking Lea's hand. “Linn,” she mumbles.

“I’m going to make some tea,” she says and shuffles past Lea.

“Oh. Could you—” Lea starts, but stops when Isak shakes his head at her. He knows it wasn’t an offer from Linn’s side. He’s always liked Linn liked that. The way her words mean exactly what she says, no deeper meaning or politeness hidden behind them. It's nice, he thinks, not having to second guess everything.

Isak sits down on the sofa then, in the seat that he was in before Lea knocked on the door. He opens up the bag of chips he stole from Linn, puts his feet up on the coffee table and rests his computer on his lap, deliberately paying attention to the screen and not Lea — not that he can actually write anything on his assignment like this, with his thoughts running 100 miles an hour, but he can pretend or, at least, scroll through what he's already written.

Out of the corner of his eye, he sees Lea take a seat on the opposite sofa, shrugging off her coat. "So," she says hesitantly, dragging out the vowel. “How have you been?”

“Fine,” he shrugs.

Lea nods slowly. “That’s good.”

She looks around the room again, pursing her lips as she looks for something to say. “Dad said you got a boyfriend,” she ends up saying.

It makes Isak look up. He might have been out to his school, his friends and to dad since autumn and he's comfortable holding Even's hand and kissing him in public now, it still doesn't mean he'll ever get used to this — having to come out to someone who is or, at least, used to be important to him. His stomach clenches, and he has to swallow down his rising anxiety.

“He did?” he asks, sounding nervous even to his own ears.

“Hmm,” Lea hums in confirmation. She smiles at him, soft and patient.

Isak breathes out. “Yeah, I did. I do,” he corrects, just because he doesn’t like the sound of it in the past tense.

His answer makes Lea smile, the tension in the air disappearing. She moves from one sofa to the one Isak is one — still in each their end of it, leaving room between them. “What’s his name?” she asks.

“Even,” Isak answers.

It’s funny, how even though they’ve been together for months, he still gets this fluttering feeling in his stomach when he's talking about him or even just saying his name.

He remembers how hard it had been for him to say when he first came out to the boys — even if it had been easier to say, "you know that guy, Even. He and I have a thing," than saying he was gay. A part of him still thinks it's easier loving Even than being gay, though that isn't really the point.

The point is how easy it is for him to say now, compared to then, and how saying it fills him with pride every time. His boyfriend, Even.

“Well?” Lea prompts, grinning. She stretches out one of her legs, softly kicking his thigh with her foot. “Tell me about him. What’s he like? How did you meet?”

Isak hesitates, biting down on his lip. Fuck it, he thinks. He closes his laptop, puts it away, and twists in his seat so that he’s facing Lea, mirroring her position with his feet tucked under himself. “We met at school, and he’s the nicest person I know. Very artistic, I guess, obsessed with films,” he laughs at the last part.

It doesn’t really feel like a sufficient description of Even. To Isak, he's much more complex, build up of hundreds of puzzle pieces that Isak is slowly collecting. It's impossible to just sum him up in a few words or sentences, and Isak could honestly probably talk about him for hours if he had to. Right now he doesn't really feel like oversharing though, he'd much rather keep it all to himself.

“Did my science nerd of a baby brother really find himself an artistic boyfriend? I don’t believe it,” Lea teases gleefully, poking him in the thigh with her foot again.

Isak scuffs, biting down his smile, “I guess so.”

Lea smiles softly then, resting both her feet in his lap, and then they're just quiet. They can hear the sound of the kettle and Linn looking through the cupboard for her favourite mug, making all of them clink together.

“Is he good to you? Even,” Lea asks, her voice soft. She pulls her leg back, folding the left on in front of so she can wrap her arm around it and rest her head on the knee. Isak finds it a little strange, the way she says Even's name like she's weighing it in her mouth.

Isak nods because, yes, this is the easiest question to answer, “I’m really lucky to have him.”

Lea’s just about to say something else when they hear the sound of a key in the lock, then Eskild opening the door and calling out, “Hello, anybody home?” loudly announcing his presence. Isak is already cringing at what he knows is about to happen. Eskild is Eskild. He is loud and unapologetic, and he's not exactly everyone's cup of tea.

Lea looks at him, eyes wide and already glistening as if Christmas has come early, “Is that him?” she whispers.

Isak frowns, shaking his head, and mouths back, “no.” He kicks her leg, too, for good measure. “In here, Eskild,” he calls then, loud enough for Eskild to hear.

Eskild walks into the room, already talking, “Isak, how was your day, did yo—” he stops mid-sentence, his eyes locking on Lea. “Oh, hello. Who’s this?” he asks, piqued interest.

Isak sighs. “Eskild, this is my sister. Lea,” he introduces, gesturing to them respectively as he does, “Lea, this is my roommate, Eskild.”

“Ah, the sister we’ve heard so much about,” Eskild exclaims. He sits down on the armrest, leaning over Isak to shake Lea’s hand. Isak rolls his eyes. “It’s good to finally meet you.”

“Have you really, now?” she asks, clearly sceptical.

“Once or twice,” Eskild admits. “When this one’s been in a sharing mood,” he says, ruffling Isak’s hair and slinging an arm over his shoulder. Isak rolls his eyes. If he’s honest he thinks ‘sharing mood’ might just be a synonym for drunk. He’s pretty sure that’s the only time he’s mentioned her to Eskild, at least.

His words make Lea smile, though it doesn't quite reach her eye. Instead, they're filled with something like sadness, and Isak thinks he gets it.

Though, he doesn't think it's fair that she gets to sit there and be sad that he doesn't like talking about her when she's the one who left him. He can almost feel his anger, slowly starting to blow underneath his skin like the wind before a storm.

He realises, then, just how awkward this really is.

He’s sitting there between his sister, that he hasn't seen in years and Eskild who’s acted as way more of an older sibling to him than she ever has. The way they've been acting like that's something they do, him and Lea, being cosy and talking about boyfriends. Really, it’s not like he's ever been close with her in that way, at least not since they were just children.

“So are you staying for dinner, Lea?” he hears Eskild asking, bringing Isak out of his thoughts. Isak picks at the sleeve at the sleeve of his t-shirt, trying to calm his thoughts.

“Yeah, if that’s okay.” She hesitates, “Actually, I was wondering if maybe I could stay here? Just for a few nights.”

“Of course you can—”

“No. Fuck, Lea,” Isak stands up now, his anger picking up momentum, making Eskild move back with the force of it, then slide down the sofa in the seat Isak just left. Frustrated, Isak runs a hand through his hair, tugging at it. “Look, you can’t just come back here like this, and you can't just think I have somewhere for you to sleep. Fuck. It’s not like I’m the only one who lives here.”

“Isak, we can make room for your sister,” Eskild insist.

“Oh, really? where?” Isak challenges. “Noora is already sleeping in your room, so it’s not like we have an overwhelming amount of spare beds.”

“ _Der det er hjerterom er det husrom,_ Isak,” Eskild says, dismissing him with a wave of his hand. “How about we all have dinner together tonight, huh?”

Isak scuffs. “Fine,” he says even though he's still angry. He's not even sure why he bothered trying to fight Eskild on this, at least it seems pointless now. A part of him can't help but feel a little hurt, too, that Eskild wouldn't have his back.

“Sounds good,” Lea agrees as well, mustering up a smile. She searches Isak's face for any sign of further protest or any other reaction. Isak's not sure why, since he's opinion hardly seem to matter in this.

“Is Even coming over for dinner, too, or?” Eskild asks then, and Isak suddenly remembers that, yes, he was supposed to.

Fuck. “Uh, no. Not tonight,” he stammers, getting out his phone to text Even.

> **Isak**  
>  I know we had plans tonight but would it be okay if we cancelled?  
>    
>  **Even**  
>  Sure. Is everything okay?  
>    
>  **Isak**  
>  Yeah, just feeling a little sick. I’m sure I just need to sleep it off  
>    
>  **Even**  
>  I hope so. Feel better ❤️

He ignores the thought of how this is the first time he's ever really lied to Even. He's not even sure he could explain why he's doing it. Maybe it's just that he's had too many worlds collide already today; his actual family and past vs what feels like his current and found family. He doesn't want to get Even, his present and future, involved with that as well.

It's just too much right now.

He can still feel the anxiety and anger prickling under his skin, too.

“Where’s Linn?"

“Huh?” Isak looks up from his phone. It takes him a second or two to understand what Eskild had asked him. “Oh, she’s in the kitchen.”

“And Noora?”

“At Eva’s, I think. She said she’ll be home later, though,” he replies, distracted. Eskild gets up from the sofa then, leaving Isak alone with Lea. He can hear Eskild greeting Linn and her muffled reply coming from the kitchen.  

> **Isak**  
>  ❤️  
>    
>  **Even**  
>  ❤️

Lea gets up from the sofa then. “I’m really sorry about this, Isak. I know it isn’t fair of me to just show up like this—”

“It’s whatever, Lea.”

“Isak,” Eskilds yells for him from the kitchen “Someone needs to go grocery shopping if we're making dinner.”

"I'll go," he shouts back quickly. It's a perfect excuse to get out of the flat, really, he's not sure he can actually stand to be here much longer right now.

“Do you want me to come with you?” Lea offers.

“No,” Isak grimaces at the hardness of his voice, and how quick he was to answer that. “Sorry. No, it’s just around the corner, and I think I need the fresh air anyway. You can just stay here, it’s fine. I won't be long.”

He makes sure to go past the kitchen, asking Eskild and Linn what they'll need at the supermarket and making a mental note to get Linn her chips as well. Then he quickly grabs his wallet from his room, puts on his sneakers and the hoodie that’s hanging in the hallway — he thinks it might be Even’s but he’s not actually sure — and walks out the door.

He hurries down the stairs and onto the street, breathing in the fresh air. It’s late March and still cold out so he should probably have put on more than the hoodie, he thinks, but there’s no way he’s going back up to the flat now.

He shoves the hood over his head, stuffs his hands in his pocket and starts walking down the block and around the corner to the nearest supermarket. It's so fucking stupid, he thinks, how it's always his family that can reduce him to this. A religious text message from Mamma, a phone call from Dad or his own fucking sister showing up on his doorstep and he's back to the angry and anxiety-ridden person he used to be.

Normally, when Isak gets like this — even if he's never told Even much about his family — Even will hold him close, one hand running through his hair, the other calmly stroking up and down his back until he's calm, until breathing no longer hurts.

Now he's standing in the chips aisle at the local supermarket, blood rushing through his ears, trying to focus on the task at hand. He's pretty sure the particular brand of chips Linn likes isn't actually here though, but he also can't really seem to remember what the bag even looks like. The supermarket feels stuffy and crowded, and all the noises around him too loud and — fuck — why is his heart beating so fast?

Isak wants to call Even, wants to hear his voice and have it remind him how he's supposed to breathe. He takes a shaky breath, trying to breathe from his stomach and out through his nose, then another one. He rummages through his pockets for his phone, getting it out and going to his lasts calls to find the number.

“Hey, what’s up?”

" _Halla_."

Maybe he’s doing worse than he thought or maybe it just comes down to how well Jonas knows him because something in his voice gives him away on just that one word, and the next thing Jonas asks is, “What’s wrong?”

“Lea is back,” is all Isak answers. He's pretty sure he needs to get out of this supermarket now, needs to get some fresh air in his lungs sooner than later.

“Faen,” he hears Jonas breathes.

Isak scuffs, “Yeah.” He knows he doesn't have to say more than that for Jonas to understand. He might not really have told Jonas how he feels about it, but Jonas was there. He knows how shitty everything with his family was and he knows that Lea was the first one to leave, that she wasn't there when everything came crashing down.

“I hate to ask, but can you come over?”

“Yeah, of course," Jonas says. It sounds like he's put on speaker then, and there's a ruffle of fabrics in the background as If Jonas is putting on more clothes. "Are you home or?”

Isak has made his way onto the street now, pushing past mums and crying children. "No," he says, looking around.

“Okay. Just text me where you are and I’ll come get you,” Jonas says hurried and then hangs up. Isak shares his live location with him on messenger before pocketing his phone and making his way back down the street again.

Jonas ends up finding him some 20 minutes later, sitting on the back of a bench in Kristparken not far from home. It's easier for Isak to breathe now he thinks. Though he's been sitting still long enough that he can feel the cold starting to seep through his hoodie.

Jonas stops a few meters away from him, taking him in, then slowly walks over to him. There isn't any pity in Jonas' eyes, just understanding, and that's all Isak really needs. Wordlessly he sits down next to Isak. They don't need to talk, there's nothing that needs to be said.

Isak thinks he might have run out of both anger and things to say now anyway.

He just needs Jonas to be there.

Jonas takes a joint of his pocket then, lighting it and taking one hit himself before holding it out to Isak. He huffs out a laugh, because yeah that might just be the second thing he needs right now.

“So Lea’s back,” Jonas says.

Isak nods. “Looks like it,” he answers, blowing out the smoke and handing the joint back to Jonas.

“What is she doing back here?” he asks. 

“Fuck, I don’t know,” he shakes his head, running a hand down his face. “Apparently she needs a place to stay.”

“You know you don’t have to, right? If it’s making you feel this bad,” Jonas says, sounding concerned this time.

“I’m fine,” Isak insists. Jonas stares at him pointedly, eyebrows raised and clearly not convinced. Isak shrugs, taking the joint back from him. “I don’t have much of a choice, do I?"

"I just hate that my family can still make me feel this way, you know?” he says and Jonas nods.

"Sucks." Isak huffs out a laugh again, yeah, it sucks.

They can hear music coming from the living room once they make it back to the flat, almost two hours after Isak first left. They'd decided to buy pizza on the way home since it's too late for them to make dinner by now, and Isak had given up on the grocery shopping.

“Isak! We were getting worried,” Eskild greets him when Isak steps into the room. He’s drunk, or at least tipsy and Isak thinks his sister might be, too. They're spread on the sofas the four of them, Linn still wrapped in her duvet cocoon and Noora having returned home in the meantime. There are two open bottles of wine and several cans of beer crowding the coffee table between them already.

“Sorry about that. I brought pizza with me, though,” he says, holding up the bag of pizza boxes. “And Jonas,” he adds when Jonas walks in behind him, being the last to finish taking off his shoes.  
  
“Jonas,” Lea cheers, getting up to hug him. “So good to see you again. I can’t believe my baby brother is taller than you now.”

Jonas laughs. “Good to see you, too, Lea,” he says, wrapping her arms around her

“Traitor,” Isak mumbles under his breath, stabbing an elbow in his rib. Jonas just laughs, shoving Isak's shoulder.

“I see you’re having a party,” Jonas tells them. He grabs a few of the already empty bottles on the table, moving them to make room for the pizzas.

“We have. We’re celebrating the return of the prodigal daughter. That, and I don't have any classes in the morning. Feel free to grab a beer, you two, there’s more in the fridge,” Eskild explains.

Isak rolls his eyes at this. “You might not have classes in the morning, but we do.” Still, he grabs an unopened can of beer for himself and one for Jonas, handing it to him. They both end up sitting down on the floor at the table.

“I tried telling him that. It’s not like he listens,” Noora says. She grabs a slice of the margarita pizza and Isak is glad that he, last minute, remembered that she’s vegetarian. Lea grabs a slice of that one as well.

Fuck it, Isak decides. He's done fighting with his sister. Right now, he just wants to sit down, eat his pizza with his roommates and best friend. He can get drunk if he wants to, too, it doesn't matter.

A few beers in, his phone buzzes in his pocket, Even calling him. He wants to pick up but he knows that Even will be able to tell that he's been drinking, and he won't be able to keep up his lie. He lets it go to voicemail, ignoring the concerned look Jonas sends him and tunes back into Eskild and Lea's loud discussion on the best places to go out in Oslo vs Berlin.

He's fucked, he thinks, letting himself fall face first into his pillow much later. He's letting Jonas crash in his bed — and Lea on the sofa — so he has to fight him for who gets the most of the shared duvet. It's Tuesday and they both have class in the morning and he already knows they’re going to have to get through them while hungover. 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I’m on tumblr [@saetremohn](https://saetremohn.tumblr.com) :)


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